Wednesday, November 7th, 2018
Strictly Bozness: The Fiery Majesty of STONE COLD

Another one from the Vern Vault: I have written about STONE COLD many times, but this was the only time I thought to title it STRICTLY BOZNESS. Originally posted October 15, 2015 on One Perfect Shot.

STRICTLY BOZNESS: THE FIERY MAJESTY OF ‘STONE COLD’

There is a certain type of action movie I love where it’s more important to be awesome than grounded; where the knowing use of cliches, absurd physics and extreme exaggeration are part of the agreement between the film and the audience. These are movies that are almost impossible to truly make fun of, because their ridiculousness is not a drawback, even when it’s an accident. They make you laugh but you’d be lying if you said you were only enjoying them ironically. Classics of this type include Schwarzenegger’s COMMANDO, Van Damme’s HARD TARGET and Seagal’s HARD TO KILL.

Those are lowbrow movies that are justly acknowledged as classics in the right circles, but I come to speak to you of a slightly more disreputable one, a poorly reviewed box office flop starring a controversial ex-NFL player. When Brian Bosworth was drafted to the Seattle Seahawks in 1987 he had a contract that was the biggest for any player ever on the team as well as the biggest for a rookie in the history of the NFL. He quickly became hated by other teams for his public trash talking and beloved by Seattle children for his audacious hairstyle and cartoonish persona. Then he was injured, retired after two seasons and decided to become a movie star.

Seattle Times columnist Steve Kelley felt spurned by the Boz’s turn, writing at the time, “To call STONE COLD garbage is to give garbage a bad name. . . . Do yourself a favor. Don’t buy Boz’s baloney. Don’t go to this movie. Don’t fall for the Bosworth pitch. He is as much a fraud on the big screen as he was on the gridiron.”

Kelley got his wish. “The Bosworth pitch” fell on deaf ears. Though the Boz is still acting, all of his subsequent starring vehicles were low budget direct-to-video obscurities. His consolation prize: sports columnists back then didn’t know shit about action movies, and to this day there is nothing like STONE COLD. I think it rivals ROAD HOUSE as one of the best macho movies full of absurdity too crazy not to laugh at but too perfect to be an accident. It’s one of my favorites.

Like Mr. T before him and Dennis Rodman after him, Bosworth had created his own freaky style that made him iconic. “Boz cuts” (bleach blond flat top mullets with designs shaved and sometimes painted in the side) were a fad in Seattle, and his taste in flamboyant jackets and patterned pants was more like the WWF than the real world. In STONE COLD he’s introduced with an eccentric lifestyle where he makes smoothies for a pet monitor lizard name Fido and walks around the house in bikini underpants. One of his jackets has a strip of white fur hanging over the shoulder that acts as the mohawk to a painted-on skull.

Yet underneath the show-offy flair is a square-jawed leading man who co-stars would compare to John Wayne and who in later years would bring a good old fashioned presence to B (and lower) grade movies like Kurt Wimmer’s ONE MAN’S JUSTICE and Fred Olen Ray’s MACH 2.

Bosworth’s character Joe Huff, alias John Stone, is a suspended cop forced to go undercover in a biker gang called The Brotherhood. These guys are expanding their drug trade and have threatened to assassinate the D.A. who’s trying to get the death penalty for a member who got busted for killing a priest. Stone is the only guy the FBI knows of who can hang with them.

A good action hero needs a worthy adversary, and for his maiden voyage Bosworth receives a one-two punch of top shelf villainy. First we meet Ice, played with spiteful, mad dog abandon by William Forsythe (ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA, OUT FOR JUSTICE). Stone gets his attention by insulting him in a bar, beating up some guys for him, defeating him in a motorcycle race, and winning a bare knuckle fight at his rally. They do not become friends. But it’s enough to pique the curiosity of Brotherhood leader Chains, played by the great Lance Henriksen (HARD TARGET), who gambles on him as a henchman, saying he’s “either gonna be the biggest pork chop I ever ate, or my bulldozer.”

According to the book Not Bad For a Human by Lance Henriksen and Joseph Maddrey, Chains was originally written to be constantly quoting the Bible, but Henriksen convinced director Craig Baxley to allow him to improvise the entire role. Though he’s appeared in acclaimed movies from DOG DAY AFTERNOON to ALIENS, Henriksen considers Chains to be one of his best roles.

But just as much as the larger-than-life characters and performances I believe it’s Baxley’s energy and deliberate lack of restraint in the staging of action that makes STONE COLD special. Brought in to replace original director Bruce Malmuth (HARD TO KILL, PENTATHLON), Baxley’s resume boasted not only of ACTION JACKSON and I COME IN PEACE, but a lifetime in the family business of stuntwork. He was stunt coordinator for THE WARRIORS and 2nd unit director for PREDATOR, among other heroic deeds.

Here he delivers on that background big time. Small bits of action are precision-tuned for maximum impact. When the priest is shot during the opening credits he’s propelled backwards through a stained-glass window, revealing for a moment an audience of bikers sitting patiently outside to enjoy the show. When Stone tricks a grocery store robber into slipping on a puddle of vegetable oil the poor sucker slams into a canned food display like he was fired out of a cannon, and Stone is posed casually to the side like Bugs Bunny might do in a similar situation.

This is One. Perfect. Shot of course, but like all great movies, this has more than one perfect shot. If I were to choose a single sequence that best sums up the STONE COLD vibe it would have to be the one where Stone shoots a biker who’s commanded to “take the fucker out” by driving straight at him in the marble halls of the Mississippi State Capitol (long story). The rider drops dead, the bike glides past Stone, crashes out a window, launches through the air into a helicopter driven by an evil soldier (another long story), which explodes into flames and drops straight down onto a parked car, which explodes into even bigger flames.

That’s the Baxley touch. Most guys would’ve just had the bike skid out.

Whenever shit pops off, Baxley and his stunt team don’t chump out, they go the extra couple miles, especially in the fiery explosion department. In this world everything explodes. Mafia rivals don’t do drive by shootings, they toss grenades. During a high speed chase Ice turns around and fires a machine gun at a random patrol car behind him. We first see bloody squibs go off on the officer’s chest, then the car explodes. Stone causes a truck full of $1 million worth of drugs to crash, and it explodes. He causes Ice to crash into a car, and that explodes. But enough of the body survives for the gang to prop him up on his bike for a viking funeral. Hell, the whole movie is a viking funeral to the over-the-top action movies of the ’80s.

Although it came out in 1991, STONE COLD kinda feels like the culmination of the great traditions of the previous decade, before we moved into the era of slicker, more expensive studio-made ones like TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY, UNDER SIEGE and IN THE LINE OF FIRE. You have your star who, like Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Seagal and Norris came out of sports before movies, and who leads with his persona and physical presence more than his acting prowess. You have your over-the-top evil villains who rarely stop coming up with wicked things to do: randomly shoot a priest during a baptism, hand deliver a gift-wrapped motorcycle – with a head inside – to rivals dining at a fancy restaurant, mangle a loyal follower’s hand in a spinning motorcycle wheel for briefly questioning a murder. You have your comic relief sidekick (RAISING ARIZONA’s Sam McMurray in a pretty unobtrusive role as a germophobic FBI agent). There’s even a COBRA style opening (hero casually foils maniacs robbing a grocery store) and a DIE HARD style ending (gun-shy nerd partner saves the day when villain unexpectedly pops up to attack again).

But also it subtly subverts the formula. At the end the bad guy is dead, but only after a successful terrorist attack in which he assassinates the district attorney/gubernatorial candidate and Supreme Court justices while disguised as a priest. The witness/love interest is dead too, and it’s unclear if the biker/mafia alliance has even been stopped. The credits roll out over one long shot of Stone, scraped, bloody and dazed, walking away from the Capitol as a swarm of police and reporters scramble to figure out what the hell just happened here. Only the electric guitars on the soundtrack suggest a victory.

Well, that and the hair. Maybe he fucked up this time, but it’s clear that The Boz is walking out of there with his awesomeness intact. Long live The Boz.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 7th, 2018 at 10:09 am and is filed under Action, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

Jibber-jabber (269 Responses)

  1. I remember reading the title of the movie on the marquee of the local mom & pop owned movie theatre that I spent a ton of my childhood in. I would’ve love to know what the owners thought of it.

    And I somehow seemed to have missed that this got a Blu-Ray release as one of those overpriced special editions that are overpriced because of the fancy packaging and the useless inclusion of the same movie on two formats, that I recently complain about so often here. It’s still pretty expensive, but as soon as this gets a re-relase as not-overpriced Blu-Ray or DVD, I motherfucking need this in my collection!

  2. I love this flick! Nice words, sir.

    Apologies if I’ve told this tale before, but its worth revisiting:

    Some time ago I was working at a production company as a PA, answering phones and manning the front desk, when Craig R. Baxley comes in to meet with some of the producers. While waiting for them to come, I cant help but geek out as I’m a huge I come In Peace fan. I freak him out, but he takes it in stride.

    He tells me some stories of that, and then I bring up how amazing Stone Cold is. He gets a BIG grin on his face and says how much fun that was to make because of the helicopter at the state Senate scenes. I feel like he said they didnt exactly have permission but blew things up anyway.

    Super cool guy! And it didn’t neven occur to me that the movie he made for the company had him reunite with Chains!

  3. Yeah that guitar riff at the end might be the least earned “man this guy is awesome!” music cue ever considering that Stone completely failed to prevent the bad guys from accomplishing their goals. Actually at one point his wimp partner says he can bust the biker gang right now for some lower-level stuff and get them off the street for a few years, but Stone overrides him and says he can flip Henrickson’s girlfriend and put them away for good instead.

    And that’s what would happen in any other action movie, but here Stone gets the girl killed, gets that cop in the squad car killed after stupidly blowing his cover in broad daylight, gets taken prisoner, and heroically shows up to save the day AFTER the district attorney and the entire Mississippi Supreme Court have been gunned down. Stone may in fact be the most incompetent hero in action movie history. Obviously this movie is amazing, especially since this is what he wears just to go grocery shopping:

  4. I never liked people flipping the Boz shit for his hair. I wish MORE people, guys especially, were able to just go crazy with their hairstyle and not be thought of as weirdos. It’s definitely a failing of mine- I was in my 30s before I gained the confidence to, like, brush my hair backwards.

  5. Kurgan- I was not ashamed to rock a Seagal ponytail from senior year of high school to 2 years after college. Inspired by Seagal, no less.

    I wont mock Boz’s hair. Nor the Gabe Cash mullet

  6. I recently paid my favorite podcast to review the movie so that was money well spent.

    The one thing that I noticed, especially the last time I watched it, John Stone (Or is that Joe Huff?) kills almost nobody directly. Everybody else does it for him.

    Also, not many movies have the guts to kill just about every.single.character in a movie.

  7. “Then he was injured…”

    Well…

    But, damn, do I love this movie. It is one of my all-time B-movie faves, kicking the crap out of the entire cinematic run by that Russkie stooge Seagal and blazing right ahead of pretty much every JCVD flick. It’s a movie that knows nothing of your puny boundaries or your gentrified sense of good taste. It exists entirely to show you what the ’90s action scene could have been like had the ’80s never really ended and in a better world would have spawned at least three sequels and ignited a brand new chapter in Italian cinema.

    Sadly, we don’t live in that world. But at least we have Stone Cold in BAXLEYVISION.

    And this review? It reminds me of my father’s last words. Which were…

  8. Ahh, Larry! Thank you for that episode, and for allowing them to complete the Baxley trifecta of 80s awesomeness! (Even Though it seemed they didnt like it as much as we do)

  9. Brian has mentioned in numerous how much he thinks Stone Cold is awesome. I knew going in, though, that Cargill was skeptical about it and it’s clear he’s not as big a fan. That’s OK, a lot of their fans are just discovering it and loving it so I feel a sense of accomplishment. Lol

  10. Should have been titled THE UNBEARABLE BOZNESS OF BEING.

  11. Or UNFORGIVABLE BOZNESS.

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Nous présenterons ainsi successivement les conditions liées au soignant (I), les exigences relatives à l’environnement où est réalisée la « roqya » (II). Nous aborderons ensuite la question de la gratuité de la prestation ou de sa contrepartie financière et enfin les conditions dans laquelle elle est réalisée (III). I- Les conditions liées au soignant Souvent la « roqya » est perçue comme une pratique dispensée par un tiers. Or, il est essentiel de rappeler et de souligner un fait important : la meilleure des « roqya » est celle que nous dispensons nous-mêmes à travers le « dhikr » et la récitation du Coran. Ainsi, pour se prémunir des maux liés au mauvais œil ou à la sorcellerie, il convient régulièrement de lire le Coran et faire des invocations notamment celles du matin et du coucher, de réciter régulièrement la sourate « La vache », de renouveler son intention, de placer la certitude dans son cœur, d’effectuer ses prières etc., et surtout de demander à Allah la meilleure des protections. Toutefois, dans certaines conditions, il est nécessaire de recourir à un soignant. C’est à ce stade qu’il convient d’être vigilant. Il ne suffit pas de se rendre auprès d’une personne qui se présente avec la qualité de cheikh ou d’imam pour accepter de lui confier cette pratique. Comme pour tout procédé et encore plus lorsque cela relève de considérations religieuses, il est important de bien choisir son soignant car ce dernier est tenu de posséder des qualités bien affirmées. La maîtrise du Coran et des traditions prophétiques en la matière est une condition sine qua none, mais insuffisante. La personne doit également avoir des notions de psychologie afin de déterminer la part de sorcellerie et celle de troubles psychologiques fréquents chez les patients. La personne doit posséder une bonne hygiène de vie, notamment spirituelle puisqu’il n’est pas inutile de rappeler que le succès de la « roqya » dépend de Dieu. Ces critères sont difficilement évaluables, surtout par une personne qui est affectée par un mal-être, quelle que soit sa source. C’est pourquoi les proches doivent accompagner la personne dans la recherche d’un soignant qualifié et reconnu comme tel par des référents religieux de la localité (imam, responsables associatifs, etc.). De manière générale, le soignant doit posséder des qualités déterminées que nous pouvons synthétiser de la manière suivante. Il doit : être en capacité de lire le Coran, croire avec certitude au Coran, être empreint de piété, connaître les pièges et les caractéristiques du diable et des djinns, connaître la méthode prophétique de la « roqya », disposer de connaissances de base en psychologie, avoir la conviction que le succès de sa thérapie dépend de Dieu. A l’exception de la première exigence, il semble difficile de vérifier les autres conditions dans le cadre d’un entretien téléphonique avec une personne que nous n’avons jamais rencontrée, même si elle se présente sous le titre de « cheikh » ou d’un imam. Par conséquent, ces conditions soulignent une première limite quant au recours à la « roqya » par téléphone. Par ailleurs, à l’instar de tout médecin, le soignant doit, avant de prodiguer des conseils ou une médication, procéder à une consultation. Ainsi, un environnement adéquat est indispensable pour la réalisation d’une « roqya ». Il est enfin inconcevable qu’un médecin puisse vous affirmer par téléphone connaître votre maladie et attester pouvoir vous guérir. Vous auriez plus que des doutes sur ce prétendu médecin. II- Un environnement propice et la réalisation d’une consultation préalable à la réalisation d’une « roqya » Il est intéressant de noter que, dans son ouvrage « Comment se protéger des djinns & satan », Wahîd ‘Abdussalâm Bâli évoque l’importance du climat pour réaliser une roqya[2]. Ainsi, il expose les points suivants : « 1. Préparer le climat adéquat en faisant par exemple sortir les images et les statues de la pièce où on va soigner le malade, pour permettre aux anges d’y entrer. 2. Débarrasser le sujet de tout ce qu’il peut porter sur lui comme talismans ou amulettes et les brûler. 3. Éteindre tout ce qui peut émettre le son de la musique et des chants. 4. Vider le lieu de tout ce qui comporte une infraction à la shari‘a à savoir, par exemple, la présence d’un homme qui porte de l’or ou une femme qui ne porte pas le voile légal – al-hijab. 5. Donner au malade et à sa famille une leçon de dogme de façon à ce que leurs cœurs ne soient pas attachés à un autre qu’Allah. 6. Leur faire savoir que la façon de soigner est différente de celle des sorciers et des charlatans et que le Coran recèle guérison et miséricorde, comme l’a informé Allah le Puissant et le Majestueux. 7. Diagnostiquer son cas : pour cela poser des questions au malade pour s’assurer de la présence de tous les symptômes (…) ». Or, dans les témoignages communiqués, l’interlocuteur qui se présente comme soignant ne pose aucune question aux personnes. Il débute ainsi la « roqya » directement par une récitation du Coran. En outre, il est intéressant de souligner que dans l’un des témoignages communiqués à l’UFCM, l’interlocuteur demandait à la personne de remplir successivement des verres de lait, d’huile, d’eau etc. et de les poser par la suite sur la table de la salle à manger. Au point que la personne s’est retrouvée avec une multitude de verres posés sur la table. Le comble est que la personne ignorait ce qu’elle devait en faire lorsqu’elle a pris conscience de la tromperie. Nous constatons par conséquent qu’une « roqya » ne peut être réalisée dans un environnement quelconque. En effet, une procédure de diagnostic est essentielle. Nous pouvons à titre d’exemple faire le parallèle avec un rendez-vous chez le médecin ; ce dernier ne peut vous prescrire une ordonnance sans au préalable vous avoir ausculté et interrogé sur les différents symptômes que vous ressentez physiquement. A défaut, au lieu de guérir vous allez aggraver vos maux. Cette attitude vigilante du médecin traitant doit se retrouver lorsque nous envisageons le recours à une « roqya ». Pour illustrer ce propos, nous citerons l’exemple de l’anthropologue, spécialiste de l’islam européen, Farid El Asri, chercheur associé au Centre Jacques Berque, qui nous rapporte une situation alarmante suite à une « roqya » : « Une jeune femme en Belgique (…) est morte suite à une tentative d’exorcisme. Pendant les séances, les fkihs (imams) utilisent normalement de l’eau « coranisée ». Pour cette jeune femme, prétendument stérile, les exorcistes ont carrément plongé son visage dans l’eau et quand elle tentait d’en sortir pour respirer, les guérisseurs estimaient qu’il s’agissait du jinn qui l’habitait et ils replongeaient son visage dans l’eau. Pendant le procès, la famille de la défunte s’est présentée comme musulmane et a accusé ces pratiques d’être extérieures à l’islam quand les guérisseurs estimaient qu’ils avaient simplement fait ce qu’ils pouvaient. Le fait de recourir trop systématiquement au fkih risque également de faire passer une crise d’épilepsie, par exemple, pour une crise de possession. »[3] Nous allons aborder enfin la dernière problématique, celle relative aux honoraires du soignant. III- Les honoraires du soignant Le Prophète, bénédictions et salut sur lui, « a agréé les Compagnons qui ont été payés pour la roqya ». Il est dès lors autorisé de rémunérer un soignant en contrepartie d’une prestation. Toutefois, cette rémunération doit être raisonnable et surtout clairement définie avant le traitement. En outre, nous ne pouvons que souligner et rappeler que, si la roqya est réalisée dans un cadre sérieux, il convient de procéder à toutes les déclarations administratives. Comme pour tout contrat, vous devez exiger un document écrit et le praticien doit préciser quels sont ses engagements exacts afin d’éviter tout litige postérieur. Malheureusement, tous les témoignages transmis à l’UFCM soulignent que l’interlocuteur insiste à plusieurs reprises sur la gratuité de la prestation. Or, dans les faits, cette dernière est payante puisque le coût de la communication est surtaxé. Ainsi, l’une des victimes qui nous a contacté, s’est retrouvée avec une facture téléphonique (hors forfait) de 1800 euros. Par conséquent, nous constatons que ces « roqyas » gratuites sont fondées sur la technique dite du « call-back » qui consiste à amener une personne à rappeler un numéro surtaxé, information qui lui est bien évidemment dissimulée. Une « roqya » peut être payante à condition de respecter un cadre prédéterminé, fondé sur l’information et la transparence des honoraires. En conclusion A la lumière des développements susvisés, l’UFCM appelle d’une part à une régulation du métier de la pratique de la « roqya », d’autre part, à la vigilance de chacun à ne pas céder à la tentation d’une « roqya » qui ne serait pas réalisée dans les conditions requises et qui pourrait produire des effets inverses. Au-delà du cadre spirituel ou juridique, les divers témoignages reçus et étudiés par l’UFCM ne peuvent pas nous laisser indifférents à la question suivante : pourquoi des personnes sont-elles amenées à accepter aussi facilement une « roqya » par téléphone ? Est-ce la gratuité qui a déterminé leur choix ? Certes le mal-être produit par cette société est de plus en plus grand. Nous vivons une époque où les êtres sont de plus en plus coupés des signes de Dieu et vivent un rythme de vie effréné. Ces affaires sont révélatrices des maux les plus profonds qui touchent la communauté musulmane. Par ailleurs, comme l’ensemble des rites islamiques (hajj, halal, pompes funèbres) censés nous rappeler les limites qui déterminent la voie vers Dieu, nous constatons que leur marchandisation trahit de plus en plus leur vocation première. Suffit-il qu’un interlocuteur se présente à nous comme un « cheikh » ou un imam et qu’il nous propose une « roqya » gratuite pour l’accepter aussitôt Ne devrions-nous pas tous nous interroger sur le fait qu’il y ait des musulmanes et des musulmans aussi isolés et aussi ignorants de leur propre religion pour être trompés aussi facilement ? Sommes-nous devenus si dépendants des Hommes que nous en oublions de nous adresser directement à Dieu pour solutionner nos malaises ? Autant de questions que chacun d’entre nous a la responsabilité de se poser. En effet, aucun de nous ou de nos proches ne sont à l’abri d’une telle tromperie. Il convient enfin de rappeler que la « roqya » est un remède précis et qu’elle ne peut se faire que sous certaines conditions et surtout qu’elle demeure l’exception à la règle, qui est de toujours s’adresser directement à Dieu. Avant de recourir à une « roqya », il convient de faire une introspection sur ses propres pratiques cultuelles et de revenir.

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